My topic this week is hair; specifically mustaches and mullets. At BYU men are only allowed to have well-trimmed mustaches and hair to their collars. Which, of course, causes some young men to push the limits.
I've only been at BYU for a week, and I've seen at least five nasty mustaches (for future reference, there is no other kind) and more than a few mini-mullets.
This is not a tragedy unique to BYU alone; no, this follicle faux-paus is spreading far and wide, much like alcohol at a frat party. Who knows where it started? Who knows where it's going? Who knows what will stop the madness?
I'd like to talk to the person who thought it'd be a good idea to try to bring mullets and mustaches back to decent society. They've always thrived in such rural and somewhat primitive places as Preston, Idaho and Lakeland, Tennessee. Mullets and upper lip hair in those areas are natural wildlife; somewhere along the line of evolution they attached themselves to human heads to feed on braincells.
Those of us in metropolitan areas, however, have been fighting the creatures since the mirror was invented. No one looks good with either hair option. Sometimes we are able to hold them off for decades at a time, but they always inevitably edge their way back into polite society.
Today is one of those times. This blog post is about raising awareness about disgusting hair habits.
"Just what is it about mullets and mustaches that's so offensive?" you may ask.
In response I ask, "What's so offensive about spiders and snakes?"
You say, "I don't mind spiders and snakes."
To which I reply, "Would you like them in close contact? Would you like them on the head of someone you love? Would you like to see them in every family picture from here to 2055?"
"When you put it that way..." you say.
"Exactly." I say (without gloating coz you're already feeling pretty dumb at this point).
Mullets and mustaches destroy one's credibility. When was the last time you took a mulletman seriously? Or been able to do more than cringe or laugh at a man with a ridiculous mustache (again, there is no other kind)? If someone wears a mullet or mustache in a comedic sketch, it's usually to make fun of someone.
There is NO ONE IN THE WORLD WHO CAN PULL OFF EITHER A MUSTACHE OR MULLET. There are precious few men who can almost pull it off, but chances are YOU (yeah, YOU) are not one unless you are John Stamos.
I'm not going to lie; John Stamos is one very very attractive man. Unfortunately he got trapped in the eighties and early nineties. We can forgive him for that, right? For the first three seasons you know you watched Full House and laughed at Uncle Jesse's mullet, all the while admitting how very very attractive he was. Blessed was the day when Stephanie accidentally cut it off and he had to go to this:
He still has somewhat of a mullet, but I have never any other mullet look this good. Ever.
So there's the only exception. I will now take questions from the audience.
You, sir, with the grody bristles erupting between your lip and nose? You clearly haven't been listening; there is NEVER an exception to the "mustaches are gross from eternity to eternity" rule.
I ought to cite you for public indecency.
You, sir, with the faux-hawk and hair creeping down into your collar? Aren't you an exception?
Are you John Stamos?
SHAVE IT OFF!
This is all. If you or someone you love currently has a hairy parasite in the head and/or face region, please don't hesitate to act in their best interest and take whatever measures are necessary to remove it.
Shave a mullet, save a life. Shave a mustache, earn a medal of honor.