Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bums

There's one sight that's more common than almost any other on campus, and, surprisingly, it's not nasty hair. No, what I see more often than not is people passed out on sundry objects, such as the floor, couches, benches, chairs, the lawn, etc.

Walking through campus is kind of like this:





Hey, who needs to go to a big city like New York or LA when you can see sad sights like this in your own backcampus?

I admit, though, that I have on occasion succumbed to slumber on campus. Most notably the benches in the JSB. One day I woke up to a text from my bestie, Kaitlynn, asking what I was doing.

Me: Uh, just woke up from a nap.

Kaitlynn: In your apartment? Don't you have class soon?

Me: Uh....on a bench.

Kaitlynn: What the heck? They let you do that?

Me: I guess so. There are people sleeping all over campus.

Kaitlynn: Man, BYU is like the home of the legalized bums.



After seeing these pictures I stole from Seen @BYU on Facebook, I'm sure you'll be compelled to agree.










I know sleep is supposedly hard to come by as a college student, but some of these are just ridiculous. I just might have to start carrying Police Crime Scene tape around.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The "M" Word

Last Sunday Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles held a fireside for the 18-30 demographic of church members. I was privileged to be one of the (relative) few who were in the Marriott Center where it was being filmed and broadcasted.

I love Elder Scott! I know we're not supposed to have favorites coz, hello, they're all prophets of God, but he is definitely up there on my personal list.

So to say I hated the talk would be misleading. It was more...heavy-handed. When asked about said talk, a BYU coed put it this way:

"We all have to get married. Tonight."

Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful, hard thing. I definitely plan on getting married............just not right now. When I'm nineteen. Just graduated from high school.

I mean, I can barely take care of myself! How on earth am I supposed to be able to take care of a husband?

[Open scene: BECCA approaches door of quaint apartment, dressed in classy 50's housewife attire. She fishes the key from her attractive clutch and opens the door.]

BECCA: Hullo, darling! I'm home!

[Her hand gropes for a light switch; however the light only reveals a horrifying sight.]

BECCA: Darling?

[HUSBAND FIGURE is lying belly-up on the living room floor, reminiscent of a dead goldfish (you know the look)]

BECCA: Oh....fuffernoggin! I forgot to feed him! Poor, poor darling. Well, I suppose I'll just have to flush him and find a new one.

[Cut scene]

Pretty grim, eh? Nevertheless, despite it being a prominent topic at church, firesides, and devotionals, I just want everyone to know it's not all we talk about at BYU. Sometimes we talk about the Gospel, too; just not as often.






(Dear Mother, this is for you. Stop misquoting Queen Gertrude from Hamlet! I know you're doing it, so knock it off.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Things I've Learned Living on My Own

This is totally NOT a soul-searching, deep, meaningful post. Here is an example of what I will not be posting---

In the past two weeks I've learned who I am; a strong, resilient, adaptable young woman who is a pillar of integrity among young women.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. Y'all are not reading this for that kinda jank. So here we go; more valuable, more hilarious things I've learned while living on my own.

1) Produce actually goes bad. I know, you're wondering what kind of weird family I come from. (My mom is probably shaking her head right now.) But in my family when we get produce, like apples and carrots and stuff, it is gone by the following week at the latest.

So before I moved in my mom took me shopping, and I totally loaded up on produce. It was wonderful. And then all of a sudden my blueberries were growing stuff on them. What the heck? Produce goes rotten? What's up with that?

2) Three girls shedding > five dogs shedding. Seriously? Our bathroom floor looks like a hair salon. We could keep all the the loose hairs and make several wigs.

3) Biking is a great way to quell speeding. I have the need for speed. If it's fast and kinda dangerous, I'm all over it. Driving a car is hard for me because I always want to go at least ten over the speed limit. Which has landed me two tickets ($300 in all) and a near suspension of my license.

Biking is the cure! If you want to go fast, you have to work for it. And you definitely can not get ticketed for speeding on a bike. As far as I know. Also, going downhill is the bomb. I love that rush.

Also, no chance of Freshman Fifteen for me! Yes!

4) Cooking for less than nine people is hard. I'm still having a hard time adjusting servings and portions. I'm used to doubling, if not tripling, the recipe; what is this halving the recipe?

5) And yet three girls eat a LOT. No bull. I made an apple pie last night and it was gone when I got home at five today. What. The. Heck. A 9" apple pie! And today Kerri and I ate chicken cordon bleus and an entire acorn squash for dinner. We almost exploded.

6) One bathroom is NOT enough. I know, I know. Typical girl complaint. But really, on Sunday mornings it's killer when you have to go to the bathroom and someone's in the bathroom showering or doing their hair AND THE DOOR IS LOCKED. I almost punched a hole through the wall on one occasion.

7) Not having friends is okay. I have the most chill roommates in the history of the universe. So we mostly just end up sitting in our apartment doing homework and randomly talking to each other. The running gag between Kerri and me right now is how we don't have any friends and how we don't really need to keep our apartment neat because no one ever comes to visit us.

8) Singles wards are boring. I miss my Sunbeams and Nursery kids. What is Sacrament Meeting without that one kid who won't stop screaming? Good heavens.

9) I'm still a dork. I found the Liberty's Kids TV show on Netflix and geeked out like a moron. I love kids' shows and I especially love historic kids' shows. DORK.

That's all. I'm not going to post a #10. So hah. If I think of anything else funny/insightful, I'll blog it. Until then, I remain,

Modern Jo

PS- Angela Lansbury is amazing. She's terrifying in The Manchurian Candidate.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Mullets 'n' Mustaches

My topic this week is hair; specifically mustaches and mullets. At BYU men are only allowed to have well-trimmed mustaches and hair to their collars. Which, of course, causes some young men to push the limits.

I've only been at BYU for a week, and I've seen at least five nasty mustaches (for future reference, there is no other kind) and more than a few mini-mullets.

This is not a tragedy unique to BYU alone; no, this follicle faux-paus is spreading far and wide, much like alcohol at a frat party. Who knows where it started? Who knows where it's going? Who knows what will stop the madness?

I'd like to talk to the person who thought it'd be a good idea to try to bring mullets and mustaches back to decent society. They've always thrived in such rural and somewhat primitive places as Preston, Idaho and Lakeland, Tennessee. Mullets and upper lip hair in those areas are natural wildlife; somewhere along the line of evolution they attached themselves to human heads to feed on braincells.

Those of us in metropolitan areas, however, have been fighting the creatures since the mirror was invented. No one looks good with either hair option. Sometimes we are able to hold them off for decades at a time, but they always inevitably edge their way back into polite society.

Today is one of those times. This blog post is about raising awareness about disgusting hair habits.

"Just what is it about mullets and mustaches that's so offensive?" you may ask.

In response I ask, "What's so offensive about spiders and snakes?"

You say, "I don't mind spiders and snakes."

To which I reply, "Would you like them in close contact? Would you like them on the head of someone you love? Would you like to see them in every family picture from here to 2055?"

"When you put it that way..." you say.

"Exactly." I say (without gloating coz you're already feeling pretty dumb at this point).

Mullets and mustaches destroy one's credibility. When was the last time you took a mulletman seriously? Or been able to do more than cringe or laugh at a man with a ridiculous mustache (again, there is no other kind)? If someone wears a mullet or mustache in a comedic sketch, it's usually to make fun of someone.

There is NO ONE IN THE WORLD WHO CAN PULL OFF EITHER A MUSTACHE OR MULLET. There are precious few men who can almost pull it off, but chances are YOU (yeah, YOU) are not one unless you are John Stamos.



I'm not going to lie; John Stamos is one very very attractive man. Unfortunately he got trapped in the eighties and early nineties. We can forgive him for that, right? For the first three seasons you know you watched Full House and laughed at Uncle Jesse's mullet, all the while admitting how very very attractive he was. Blessed was the day when Stephanie accidentally cut it off and he had to go to this:


He still has somewhat of a mullet, but I have never any other mullet look this good. Ever.

So there's the only exception. I will now take questions from the audience.

You, sir, with the grody bristles erupting between your lip and nose? You clearly haven't been listening; there is NEVER an exception to the "mustaches are gross from eternity to eternity" rule.

I ought to cite you for public indecency.

You, sir, with the faux-hawk and hair creeping down into your collar? Aren't you an exception?

Are you John Stamos?

No?

SHAVE IT OFF!

This is all. If you or someone you love currently has a hairy parasite in the head and/or face region, please don't hesitate to act in their best interest and take whatever measures are necessary to remove it.

Shave a mullet, save a life. Shave a mustache, earn a medal of honor.