Today I made the most important discovery of my life.
I am NOT joking.
Most Important Discovery EVER:
There is no Hell. There is only an eternal math class.
The discovery happened during Calculus (surprise surprise) and went a little something like this:
Calculus teacher: All right, today we're going to tackle the revenue formula, learn why completing the square works, and fight our way through a bunch of matrices.
Calculus teacher: *throws out formulas faster than most people can inhale a piece of cake*
Me: *squints at the board*
Formulas: *make whistling noises as they generously clear the top of my head*
Calculus teacher: Any questions?
My brain: *catches fire, therefore rendering its owner incapable of asking what time it was, much less what had just happened on the board*
Kid who can actually keep up with this dizzying barrage: Yeah. How can we calculate the maximum worth of NBA players?
Calculus teacher: Excellent question! Well, if you take the....*begins pulling numbers out of the air like Cinderella's godmother*
Me: *regaining a few braincells* I think I'll draw an eyeball in the margin of the notes I'm not taking.
Calculus teacher: ...and then you square the revenue, then divide by negative infinity...
Me: *looks up at the board; it is covered in scary-looking numbers* Mmhmm. Negative infinity. Got it.
Calculus teacher: ...and voila! NBA players are paid more than firefighters, policemen, and other civil servants who actually work for a living COMBINED.
Me: You needed a stupid math problem to figure that out?
Okay, so it didn't actually go down like that; the real version was much more boring and involved me losing consciousness for minutes at a time, only to wake to find that we were still on the same Satanic problem. Anyway, the moral is still the same: Math = my own personal hell.