Thursday, October 30, 2008


Today I made the most important discovery of my life.


I am NOT joking.

Most Important Discovery EVER:


There is no Hell. There is only an eternal math class.

The discovery happened during Calculus (surprise surprise) and went a little something like this:

Calculus teacher: All right, today we're going to tackle the revenue formula, learn why completing the square works, and fight our way through a bunch of matrices.

Me: *blinks*

Calculus teacher: *throws out formulas faster than most people can inhale a piece of cake*

Me: *squints at the board*

Formulas: *make whistling noises as they generously clear the top of my head*

Calculus teacher: Any questions?

My brain: *catches fire, therefore rendering its owner incapable of asking what time it was, much less what had just happened on the board*

Kid who can actually keep up with this dizzying barrage: Yeah. How can we calculate the maximum worth of NBA players?

Calculus teacher: Excellent question! Well, if you take the....*begins pulling numbers out of the air like Cinderella's godmother*

Me: *regaining a few braincells* I think I'll draw an eyeball in the margin of the notes I'm not taking.

Calculus teacher: ...and then you square the revenue, then divide by negative infinity...

Me: *looks up at the board; it is covered in scary-looking numbers* Mmhmm. Negative infinity. Got it.

Calculus teacher: ...and voila! NBA players are paid more than firefighters, policemen, and other civil servants who actually work for a living COMBINED.

Me: You needed a stupid math problem to figure that out?

Okay, so it didn't actually go down like that; the real version was much more boring and involved me losing consciousness for minutes at a time, only to wake to find that we were still on the same Satanic problem. Anyway, the moral is still the same: Math = my own personal hell.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


This may or may not be a thinking post. I haven't decided yet. I just noticed that my last post is like a week old and that I should probably whip out something new.

Thought for today: You never notice how many bumps a road has until you drive on it when you have a full bladder.

Thought for the week: Never post anything on your blog that you don't want your little brother to read. Josh was mad at me the other night and irrationally fumed, "You can't even get a date!"



Anyway, that's the last I'm going to blog about dating. Ever. In fact, that's the last I'm going to TALK about dating. It's like having a peg leg; deal with it. Talking about it will not make that shark spit your leg back out. So you'd better get used to stumping around and having people give you weird looks.

This next bit isn't mine coz I don't ever write poetry, but I read it on a friend's blog and decided to steal it.

The Man In The Glass


When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

How to be Less Intimidating

Although the title makes this post sound like a "How-To" post, it's not really. It's actually a curious request for advice.

So I've been of dating age for a year, a week, and two days now, and not once have I been asked on a date. Maybe it's because I'm unattractive, but everyone tells me it's because all the guys I know are intimidated by me.

Which is stupid because most of the guys I know are pretty cool, and I wouldn't turn them down if they asked. I wouldn't want to date them steadily, but a fun date once in a while would be socially healthy.

What should I do? Should I ask them out? I mean, I'm all for the whole feminist "girls can ask guys out" thing, but I want to be the one who's asked at least once. Is there a way to seem more approachable without dumbing myself down or dressing like a floozy? Or do I just have to wait for someone (select few know who I'm talking about, if indeed I am referring to someone specific) to get brave enough to ask? I don't want to appear desperate, but subtlety is not working so well.

Ayudame, por favor.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Into the Mind of Korinne

I went to Into the Woods again last night with my friend Korinne because her dad couldn't go since he had to go to Priesthood session. Isn't that swell of her?

Anyway, since I think interviews are fun to do and I haven't interviewed anyone besides my stomach, I decided to take a notebook along and interview Korinne about random stuff.

Me: Well, it's intermission and I'm here with Korinne Ivory. I'm not sure why I'm interviewing her, but I am. First question: What do you think about the show so far?

Korinne: (Are you going to be one of those people who writes down everything I say? Me: Yes.) I love it coz everything at Hale is amazing. It's pretty awesome. It's...ffffantastic...with an exclamation point. Little Red Ridinghood is great and that one stepsister...she's funny.

Me: What do you think of J-Biz? (he was a student teacher for the choir at WJHS; he played Cinderella's prince)

Korinne: He's not very prince-ish, but he's doing a good job. I can't picture my student teacher as a prince.

There is a pause as I run out of questions. I ask Korinne to help me out. She has no ideas. I remind her that all five people who read my blog will be reading this interview. She gets excited because some random Argentine has been on my blog, and Korinne wants to be Hispanic.

Me: What would you like to say to the Argentines?

Korinne: They probably think I'm a retard...Hola!

Another pause. She asks why I'm interviewing her again. I tell her it's because I've only ever interviewed one person for my blog, and it was my stomach. So I'm 0-1 in coolness.

Korinne: I'm cooler than your stomach!

Me: Yes you are. Now, if you could be any role in this show, what would you be?

Korinne: Uh....think think think...

Me: Or your top three.

Korinne: *pauses*

Me: Five? Your top five?

Korinne: Either Little Red Ridinghood or Cinderella...ooooor a character...whose name is...I don't know. Anyone! I could play anyone. Except a male. I'm not a male.

Me: Since you're an amazing soprano, you could rock Rapunzel's role.

Korinne: Oh yeah. I'm amazing. Jk! And I have long hair!

Me: True on both accounts.

Korinne: *points to some random audience members* You know how they're sitting right by the platform where the narrator stands sometimes? I thought they were in the show. I was like, "What role do they play?"

We both laugh and I tease her and neglect to write down what we both said.

Me: Would the role of the baker be greatly improved by Dehaan?

Korinne: Of course! I mean, the baker's good, but Dehaan would be better. Por supuesto.

Me: What role can you see me doing?

Korinne: *taps chin in thought* *starts playing with tongue* Maybe the stepmom coz I can see you shanking off the toe... I don't know if you can shank off a toe. Can you?

Me: I dunno. So you think I'd be cast solely for my shanking abilities?

Korinne: *laughs* Yeah, you have great shanking skills.

Me: Are you ready for Act II? It's kind of dark/depressing.

Korinne: It is? No! I don't like depressing! I like happily ever after!

Me: To be continued after Act II.

Korinne: Okay. I'll try to intelligent up a little.

Me: Hahaha.

Later, when we had arrived at Korinne's house, she asked me to finish the interview.

Me: I have no more questions.

Korinne: What was the question?

Me: I didn't ask one.

Korinne: What? You didn't ask one? How am I supposed to respond to nothing?! "Here, Korinne, here's some silence; respond to it."

And that's where the interview ends. My interviewing skills aren't so great yet, mostly because I can't write as fast as Korinne and I talk. Maybe next time I'll just record us and then type up a manuscript from that.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Into the Woods and Out of the Woods and Home before Dark!

I don't really want to write anything today, but I would be remiss if I didn't review the production of Into the Woods I saw last night. (Into the Woods is Sondheim's mixed up fairy tale with lots of quick wit, quick lyrics, and deep social commentaries.)

Buuuuut I'm feeling really lazy, so I'm just going to give you some highlights.

- It was at Hale Center Theatre, so the revolving stage and the amazing sets and costumes dazzled my very eyeballs from their sockets. A-mazing.

- Little Red Riding Hood cracked me up like nobody's business. She was probably in her twenties and taller than Cinderella (she was 5 foot nothing, I swear), but she looked and acted exactly like a litter girl. She definitely stole the show. In one scene she threatens Jack (the beanstalk one) with a knife, then begins cleaning her nails with it.

- The Princes. Heavens to Betsy. SO funny. When Rapunzel's prince got blinded by the witch, he said "My EYES! (in that pompous princely tone that Edward uses in Enchanted)" staggered off-stage blindly and said "shoooot" under his breath. And of course, the "Agony" reprise is so repulsive and funny.

- The Baker's Wife continues to be my favorite character in the show (besides perhaps the witch, but I'll get to that in a sec). She's strong and human, funny and clear-thinking, and an all-around deep character. Haha, my favorite scene is when she attacks Cinderella in order to get her golden slipper and screams "I need your shoe to have a baby!"

- The witch is usually my favorite character. She's sarcastic and mean and powerful, but underneath all that, she really loves Rapunzel. I love "The Witch's Rap," "The Last Midnight," and "Lament." In Hale's production, however, our witch was also the director. Usually I'm okay with the director being in the show, but not if they don't rein themselves in. The witch, who isn't really a main character (she's more the voice of reason), hammed it up shamelessly last night. During her rap, she "fell asleep" and it took two minutes to wake her up. By the time she started singing again, I forgot what she had been singing about! The witch was better in the second act, but I was still kind of disappointed.

Hmmm, I think that's it. If anyone wants to hear about any of the other characters, let me know, all right? And yes, Mandi, Cinderella was very good, but I wish she had been a little spicier. (***NOTE: READ STU'S COMMENT*** Cecily is a freakin' trooper.)

And Brandon, I'll post my fable later. :)

UPDATE- Ironically, when I saw the show a second time, my only qualms were quieted. The witch was powerful and didn't try to ham it up too much, and Cecily was phenomenal. So much more depth in the second act. (probably due to her not getting a concussion this time!!!) I wish I'd seen her when she played Jo in Little Women a year or so ago!